My spirit animal is fried chicken
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Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
They’re called werewolves.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*