My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
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Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
the three branches of government
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Well, that didn’t work.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”