My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren’t meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.

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Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?


If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.


HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space


I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.


This week I’ve learned no one was washing their hands, people think toilet paper prevents viruses and some of you have VERY strong feelings about the potato button on your microwave.

We’re all going to die, aren’t we?


Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.


Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no


I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.


Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.