Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.