Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}