Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point