My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
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Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Room with a view.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Hard not to take this personally
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.