My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
The Book. The Movie.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
crying
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
my favorite genre of twitter
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble