My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
“You drive, I’m tired.”
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.