My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
me when i see my girls butt
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will