Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

2023 was just a warmup

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…