My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”