My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Carpe DM
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???