My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.