My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
You Might Also Like
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.