My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
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DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]