My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
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Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend