My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
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Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
In Russia, the cold complains about you.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.