My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
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Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you