My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Sticker placement is key.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.