My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
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Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
*praying for world peace*
God:
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Always the camel, never the toe.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”