My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
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As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
🤔😂😂
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook