My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Bed should get ready for ME
Real 😅
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”