My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
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my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
termite twitter scares me
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
me and my fake scenarios
Doormats are a gateway rug.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper