The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Deer are just ballerina dogs
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.