My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!