My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
What in the hipster hell is going on here
