My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.