when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
You Might Also Like
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.