Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Rather alarming headline…

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

Never ghost your hitman.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.