My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck