the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid