I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
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Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Employees must applaud the planets.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”