Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…

There’s safety in numb-bears.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

Current mood: Potato

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.