My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Practicing safe sax
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me