My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
If snakes were wide
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.