My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
You Might Also Like
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.