My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
That earthquake could have been an email.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
The United Steaks of America
asking santa clause for nudes
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.