My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.