Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

twitter is a journey

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

Put this video in the Louvre

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere