Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice