Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

i like to flex on them by shrugging

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them