Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father