My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
<—- homeless romantic
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I know
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger