My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!