Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

White Castle for the Win

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again