My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
the noise i just made
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
plant them where lol
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.