Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
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Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”