TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
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her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
life finds a way
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.