Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

Noah was an idiot.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”