Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

We’ve all been there

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

Have kids, they said

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*