My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
You Might Also Like
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before