My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
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Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Well, this explains it:
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?