My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
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If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.