My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
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Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me