Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
You Might Also Like
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
One venti cheeseburger please.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”