Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

Moms. The original autocorrect.

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

Bartenders are just boneless bars

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

What flavor cupcake are these

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.