Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”