My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
You Might Also Like
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Reporter: *ports again*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I am crying
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money