My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Just why bro?!
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?