My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
You Might Also Like
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’d rather fork than spoon.