My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
i love modern commerce
