My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter![]()
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
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I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Happy Star Wars day!
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]