my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Oh thanks BBC.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.