my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
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What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
That’s easy for you to say
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire