My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
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“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!