Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

scares

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems