my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
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This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do